As much as I believe in miracles I also cannot be naive to the facts and that Doctors know what they are talking about. I really hope and pray hard that God will give us a miracle, but the chances of that happening are slim. I am not completely dismissing it, but doctors do know what they are talking about. That being said its hard as hell to trust in God and to try to understand what the purpose or what his "plan" is in all this. There are things that I do NOT understand and probably will never understand. Like, why the hell does MY mom have cancer? Why the hell is my friend who has two healthy babies, and now pregnant with the third and has done everything by the book is pregnant with a baby that has Trisomy 18, and will probably loose the baby? Why? Why? Why can't a man in jail who is going to die there anyways get cancer? Why can't the mother who is going to drink her whole pregnancy and get the baby taken away from her get sick instead of my friend who will love and take care of that baby that is growing in her womb? I don't get it. Why do some people go through life without any struggles, then others go through life and gets beaten with the struggle paddle everyday? I do not understand ( I also hope I didn't offend anyone with my questions). And honestly I do NOT think I will ever get these answers. I guess that is where the whole trust in God kinda thing comes in. Right? I admit, my relationship with God has gone off the beaten path for awhile now, I cursed God, I was angry, wanted nothing to do with him, avoided certain people cause I didn't want the cliché answers. But now I feel I am coming back with a whole new perspective on things and a whole new belief in God.
I have had to rely on him lots these last few months, reason being I felt like he is the only one I can rely on. Him and a few good friends. One day I will blog about what is going on, but honestly I am not ready yet. Sorry for the vagueness. I am kinda all over the place, but that is how my brain is right now, so much going on.
Which brings me to the whole bitterness is a choice thing. I truly believe it is. I can go two ways with the cards that we have been dealt with, I can become angry, depressed and negative about everything or I can wake up every day and be thankful that I am still alive, that I have two healthy children, that my mom is still with us, and that I have a God that sees the pit of my heart and he still loves me the same. I choose the second one. I choose happy, I choose to get rid of bitterness as soon as I feel it creeping in. That being said I am not saying that everyday is easy and is a breeze, there are days where I let bitterness win, and go through all the emotions but I am very aware of it and not letting it stay there. Therapy also helps! ;)
I came across this song one day and I love it, and probably listen to it every day!
| by Tricia | from the album Radiate | |
Everything's been so confusing
Fear got the best of me
Now I'm lying here
Worried about tomorrow
Cause the weight of everything I don't know
Is so heavy I can't sleep
But the truth remains the same
Even when I don't know what to pray
But what I know
Is You my God are real
No matter how I feel
You've never let me go
But what I know
Is there will never be a day
You aren't just a breath away
And through it all I've gotta hold
To what I know
I could throw my fist in the air
Demanding answers
But despite of all the questions
I'm still giving You my life
And if it doesn't turn out like I think it should
It doesn't change the fact You're always good
Your ways are higher than mine
To love that's never failing
To hope that keeps on saying
Carry on
Choose joy.
