Thankful.

This last week and half have not been easy. It's been brutal. But I feel that sometimes I let the negativity take over and become miserable, stressed and just not a fun person to be around! This is why this afternoon I decided to look at the positive and think of the things I am thankful for! Like: 

1) my mom. She came out this weekend/week and was the biggest help!  She played with the boys like crazy, she helped with Kash, she took care of housework, and she kept me level headed! 

2) Dave. He kicked me out of the room last night and told me to sleep upstairs. Reason being Kash wouldn't stop crying and I was loosing it. Dave took care of him all night while I slept! 

3) my sister. She came over lots this week. And honestly I have not laughed that hard in a long time!! It felt so good! 

4) Hayden and William. They have been so understanding. They have been listening so good, and when I need help they are more than willing. 

5) my mom and dad and Dave's parents that come over with bags of formula, and food so I don't need to cook. 

6) and lastly prayer and grace. 

I feel the prayers that people are praying. There are moments during the day where I feel like I'm going to loose it and all of sudden I feel peace and patience take over. And I know that is the prayers and God. I honestly could not have done this without God. I lean on him so much to help me get through the day. He has shown me so much grace and forgiveness, I feel so overwhelmed. So, if you are praying for us, thank you so much!! 

By remembering all these things the day seems to go by faster, the home is more happy, and I feel that maybe just maybe I'm getting my sanity back. Again, prayers are always welcomed! 

Mommy Confession.

I honestly cannot wait till Kashtyn grows up. I feel like I'm going to snap. I am done with the sleepless nights, I am done with the constant crying/fussiness, I am done constantly having to hold him, and I'm done with always having to tell the boys "just a second, Kashtyn needs me." 

I feel like a terrible mom to Hayden and William. I'm always telling them just a second, and when I finally calmed Kashtyn down and go play with them it lasts like 20 minutes cause than Kashtyn is awake again needing me. 

Tonight I feel like throwing in the towel, packing a bag and calling Dave and saying I'm in Hawaii, be back in a month. I just want peace, quiet, I just want time to myself. I don't wanna wipe tiny nasty shit covered asses, I wanna have proper breakfasts, I wanna do things for me, I wanna be selfish. Is that to much to ask for?! Yes, yes it is, when your mom kiss all that goodbye.  

I'm just going to go scream in a pillow, than go check on my two sleeping big boys, kiss  them good night, rock Kashtyn, probably cry cause of guilt, than look at his sweet angel sleeping face  crawl into bed, hopefully get some sleep. Than, at the ass crack of dawn, let the shit show begin once again. 

Ps: I really do love being a mom, I just needed to vent. Say a prayer for me. Say a prayer for us. 

Oh this dream of mine...

My head hurts from all the ideas and things I wanna do! It sometimes drives crazy! 

I really wanna start making crafts to sell. I would love to attend crafts shows, I would love do the thing I love most plus make money! BONUS!! 

BUT I have something that is holding me back. I don't think I'm good enough. I look/compare myself to other Etsy shops, and they are so good! I'm not that good, nor am I that creative! I've had people ask me to make some things for them and I always say no because I'm terrified that they will think it sucks, and it's not worth their money. Ughhhhh!! I wanna have a craft studio, I wanna have a business where I can work at home, I wanna be apart of craft shows, farmers markets. It just nags at me. Might sound whatever to some, but I pray about it. I pray that maybe God will give me the opportunities and courage to just do it!! 

Maybe one day... 

Our tribe.

We had our family pictures done a few weeks ago by the very talented Steorra Images { Clara Loewen }. And I am so happy with them {except the fact that looking at pictures of myself makes me realize I need to loose 20 pounds!} kidding! 

Our goal is to have family pictures done at least twice a year. I love pictures and I find them very important to have. I love watching our family grow and change throughout the years. 

The day we got them done it was very cold and super windy!! But Clara was amazing, she made us feel so comfortable and warm! Thank you again!!

Here are a few of our favorites:  

                         Classic! 

If you want a photographer good with kids, I highly recommend her!! She was so patient and got them smiling so good! 

Trying.

I'll admit right now that sometimes Coparenting with someone sucks, like majorly suck. It is a roller coaster. Some days it's easy and good, and other days it's hard and I just don't want to do it anymore. 

I can be a very controlling person. I need structure, routine or I get completely undone. I need to know where my kids are at all times, who they are hanging out with, what they are watching, eating, everything. So, when I don't have the boys it's super stressful, because I don't know what they are doing, who they are hanging out with every second of the day. It drives me crazy, it's drives me mad. It's not that I don't trust their dad but I'm not there and I feel like I can look after them better. Which is not a good attitude to have. I'm trying so hard to let go of that control, and trust people more. 

Anyways, trying to coparent in a Godly, kind, good way is even harder. Somedays I don't even think it's possible to do it that way. And last night was a prime example. I failed miserably! I said things that I wish I didn't say, I said things that I didn't mean at all. I said things in the heat of an argument and I cannot take them back. And it sucks. 

I want to be a light, I want to be a kind person, I want people to see me and know that something is different about me. I want to be like that for everyone that I meet, I want to be like that in all my relationships including my coparent relationship with Hayden and Williams dad. 

It's going to be hard. 

That's why I'm writing this, I want people to keep me accountable {thank Jesus for Dave, cause he isn't scared to tell me straight! Lol} Please help me to be kind, thoughtful, trustworthy, help me God to be a light for you. 

This nails it on the head for me. I want people to see him through me even though I suck at doing things right and good. I want people to see kindness, love, humility, and joy when they me. Oh Jesus help me.  

Am I doing enough?

Every night I go to bed and the same questions run through my mind. 

Did I love my boys enough today? 

Did they feel that love? 

Did I play enough with them? 

Did I discipline them enough? 

Did I say "I love you" enough? 

Did I teach them enough? 

Every. Single. Night. 

And it can get exhausting. Always second guessing yourself, always being hard on myself. 

I want them to grow up knowing that they can come to me about everything and anything. I want them to know that it doesn't matter what they have done or will do I will always love them. I want them to know that I support their dreams and goals. And most importantly I want them to know that they are loved by me and our Heavenly Father. I want them to know that even in my darkest, loneliest day,  I love them. I want them to know that I am trying my best and will never give up on them or myself. And on the days where I may get angry, snap, and raise my voice to them, I still love them. 

Bottom line: I want my boys to know that I love them and I am trying my very best at being the Mama they need me to be. 

And I think by me trying and doing my very best is enough. Day by day. 

                As good as it gets! 

Postpartum Depression.

Kashtyn's pregnancy was the hardest for me physically and emotionally. And once he was born it didn't get any easier. I remember sitting in the hospital bed after he was born talking to the nurses about postpartum depression. And in the back of my mind I thought she was wasting her time because that will never happen to me. There was so many exciting things happening in our lives. New baby, new house, Hayden starting school, to many happy things no time to be depressed. And boy was I wrong. Kashtyn was fussy, clingy, and cried lots right from the beginning. Which is very exhausting. We didn't get much sleep {still don't get much sleep} and we constantly have to hold him. I started to notice a change in me that I ignored. I didn't wanna get out of bed, didn't wanna see people, didn't wanna take care of my boys, didn't care about anything! Things that I usually loved too do I hated and couldn't be bothered with. At first I suppressed those feelings I blamed it on a lack of sleep and hormones. But than my thoughts and mind got more intense. Thoughts like wanting to hurt myself. Wanting to die because I thought that the boys and everyone else would be better off without me. I thought that they needed a good mom and I wasn't that, so if I died I could spare them a messed up, screwed up, crazy mom. I thought of leaving them. Make them enough food for the day, leave a note for Dave, than take off and never look back. And if Dave came home and they were all dead or gone, I wouldn't even care. Kashtyn would cry, and I would ignore him and not comfort him or pick him up. I either left him for Dave or even Hayden would hold him to comfort him. And it got worse, so much worse. Fits of rage, crying all the time, emotionless. Finally, Dave sat me down one evening told me his concern and told me I needed help. I needed help as soon as possible. I needed to talk to my doctor and if I wasn't going to than he would find me help before it was to late. So, next day I got an appointment with my doctor, told her everything. She told me that I was dealing with postpartum depression and it would be best if she gave me medication for it. I agreed, even though I didn't want medication. Deep down though I knew it was best! 

I've been on medication for a few months now, and I have noticed a change! It is easier to get out of bed, I am started to enjoy taking care of my kids again, I wanna hang out with people again, and I'm excited for the future once again. By saying this though I most definitely have my days still where it's a battle {guilt}. Not everyday is happy and easy, some days are just downright depressing and bad. But I feel like the sun is starting to shine and that everything around me is more colourful than it was before. 

Guilt. 

Dealing with postpartum depression brings so much guilt. I feel horrible how I treated Kashtyn in the first month, I feel horrible for my anger towards Dave and the boys. I feel horrible for the days that Hayden had to be the one to comfort Kashtyn cause I just couldn't do it, I feel horrible for loading everything everyday onto Dave. So much guilt. I pray everyday that my children won't remember the dark days. I pray that they won't remember the days where mommy was mean and didn't want anything too do with them. I pray that this guilt will go away. 

Talk. 

I also pray that mamas everywhere will just talk about hardships, postpartum depression and how much being a mama is so hard and some days it just sucks! I feel that since coming out and saying I was struggling with this, a few moms that I never would think are, are dealing with the same thing. And why is it? Why is it that us moms need to portray that we have it all together? Let's talk. Let's be honest. And honestly I think if more moms did that, I really believe that motherhood wouldn't be as lonely some days. Just to know that a few people I know have struggled with it, makes it less lonely already. I wish that moms wouldn't have to feel that they have it all togehter. I wish moms would be more honest with each other and that we will come along side each other and help one another, share struggles and the joys in our lives! 

So, to all the mamas out there, I don't have it all together. Being a mom is just downright hard somedays. Keep your heads up mamas, and let's talk!