Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I get stressed, my anxiety takes over, worry consumes me, anger rages through me.
Last night was not a good night, I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned, would wake up sobbing and felt like the loneliness would never leave. Bitterness and unforgivness take over, and all I wanna do is curse and scream. I'm hurting, I worry, I'm angry. And God knows that I don't want to feel these feelings anymore. I don't wanna hurt, I don't wanna worry, I don't wanna feel angry anymore. I wanna move on with my life, I wanna be happy, carefree and I wanna be who Jesus wants me to be.
I wanna be the best mother I can be for my boys. I don't wanna constantly worry about every little thing. It's so hard when they are at their dad's house, he's a good father and I know I shouldn't worry, but it's hard as a mother not knowing what your boys are doing every second of the day. When they are at my house I feel so complete. I also wanna feel that complete and not have to worry when they aren't at my house. I know that are getting taken care of, I know they are loved on, I know they are being fed, bathed and clothed, so why worry? Right? God is watching over them, give up that control Kara, I know Adrian wouldn't let anything or anyone hurt them.
Anyways back to the picture I posted on top. I forget, I forget that he is with me, I forget that he's never left, I forget to come to him with my worries. I don't know if it's forgetting or feeling like I'm tainted cause I'm getting a divorce so obviously he doesn't want me. I don't feel worthy enough to fall at his feet cause of my mistakes in our marriage, I feel like he looks at me with disgust. I feel like everyone looks at me with disgust and judgement. I feel like just because I'm the one that left makes it okay for people to judge me, and think I'm a stone cold hearted bitch. I'm human, I have feelings, I hurt, I hear what people say, and it hurts like hell. And some people have told me that I can't be "godly" because what's going on but I refuse to believe that. He's there, he's there, he IS there. He's with me. When people aren't there, when you hear the gossip and the rumors and you are crippled with hurt he IS there. It doesn't feel like it sometimes but he is. All I need to do is listen, go to him, talk to him about my feelings, hurts, worries, and even my joys. He cries with me, laughs with me, walks with me. All I need to do is be still. Breathe in, breath out, one day at a time, one step at a time, breathe in, breathe out, be still.
