i have no idea how to start this blog post.
trying to think of a way to type my thoughts and what i have been struggling with this past month, actually my entire life.
insecurities...
not confindent enough in my own skin to wear a tang top, wear a bathing suit, to go to a gym to workout for the fear of people staring at me, jogging in town for the fear of people laughing at me, not being confident in my own skin. and frankly i am SO sick of it. i am tired of going shopping and trying on something that i LOVE but not buying it because of the fear of people laughing at me, i am tired of going to the beach and everyone around me having a blast and then there is me sweating hot in my cover me up outfit because i am scared of what people are going to think of me. its a daily struggle, day in and day out.
i NEED to let this go.
i NEED to let go of the tiny voices in my head that tell me i am too fat to do something. i am tired of seeing the faces etched in my mind of those who called me a fat bitch, chubby chicken (HA! i laugh at that one now) or gave me the look that said it all "why the hell is she wearing that?" i need to let this go and carry on with my life. i am tired of sitting on the sidelines watching people have fun.
this past week has kinda been an "awakening" if you even wanna call it that. i realized that i want my children to grow up with a mommy that is healthy. healthy physically, and healthy emotionally. i wanna be able to run with them without heaving for air. i wanna be able to walk that pool deck in a bathing suit with confidence! i want them to remember me as happy, and confident!
i also realized in order for me to do this i need to forgive the people that have hurt me in my past and erase the comments from my mind that are on repeat in my head. i am tired. i am tired of it, so very tired. and honestly forgiving these people is hard! its definitely a process.
i also need to let go of the intrusive questions people would ask. like "why do you wear black all the time", "why do you wear heavy make up all the time", " are you a depressed person, or are you a satan follower?" 1) i USED to wear black all the time, because its a thinning color, now i wear it cause i have grown to LOVE the colour. 2) I wear lots of makeup because it draws you more to my face then the other parts of my body i don't like, at least that is what i thought. now i wear lots of make up cause again i love doing it, and really is it actually a lot? 3) no i am not depressed and no i am not a satan follower, although i'm sure that would have been quite the story for you "Kara a pastors daughter loves satan!" no people, sorry to disappoint.
anyways, i wanna get healthy. and i have been saying that for a long time. but after so many failed attempts i have given up. but after some thought i thought i should blog about it. that way people can keep accountable, and i can also keep myself accountable. tonight i went for a jog, i haven't for a long time, the last time was before i got married. as i was jogging i got this rush and realized again how this whole failed attempts of losing weight was all in my messed up head! this attitude of i cant, and i am scared of people making fun of me was keeping me from getting healthy! not anymore, i will and CAN do it. one day i will jog in town and not care if people are staring at my jiggle, its a pretty good show let me tell you! ;) one day i will sign up for Zumba classes here in town, and as God as my witness one day you will see me strutting down that arborg pool deck wearing a bathing suit, and not caring at the stares! its a process but i will get there.
now excuse me as i eat all the junk food in my house so i will not be tempted this week, just kidding, there isn't any! :)
ps: I went for a 40 min walk, and i jogged 15 mins of those 40 mins, i feel pretty damn proud!
