i have no idea how to start this blog post.
trying to think of a way to type my thoughts and what i have been struggling with this past month, actually my entire life.
insecurities...
not confindent enough in my own skin to wear a tang top, wear a bathing suit, to go to a gym to workout for the fear of people staring at me, jogging in town for the fear of people laughing at me, not being confident in my own skin. and frankly i am SO sick of it. i am tired of going shopping and trying on something that i LOVE but not buying it because of the fear of people laughing at me, i am tired of going to the beach and everyone around me having a blast and then there is me sweating hot in my cover me up outfit because i am scared of what people are going to think of me. its a daily struggle, day in and day out.
i NEED to let this go.
i NEED to let go of the tiny voices in my head that tell me i am too fat to do something. i am tired of seeing the faces etched in my mind of those who called me a fat bitch, chubby chicken (HA! i laugh at that one now) or gave me the look that said it all "why the hell is she wearing that?" i need to let this go and carry on with my life. i am tired of sitting on the sidelines watching people have fun.
this past week has kinda been an "awakening" if you even wanna call it that. i realized that i want my children to grow up with a mommy that is healthy. healthy physically, and healthy emotionally. i wanna be able to run with them without heaving for air. i wanna be able to walk that pool deck in a bathing suit with confidence! i want them to remember me as happy, and confident!
i also realized in order for me to do this i need to forgive the people that have hurt me in my past and erase the comments from my mind that are on repeat in my head. i am tired. i am tired of it, so very tired. and honestly forgiving these people is hard! its definitely a process.
i also need to let go of the intrusive questions people would ask. like "why do you wear black all the time", "why do you wear heavy make up all the time", " are you a depressed person, or are you a satan follower?" 1) i USED to wear black all the time, because its a thinning color, now i wear it cause i have grown to LOVE the colour. 2) I wear lots of makeup because it draws you more to my face then the other parts of my body i don't like, at least that is what i thought. now i wear lots of make up cause again i love doing it, and really is it actually a lot? 3) no i am not depressed and no i am not a satan follower, although i'm sure that would have been quite the story for you "Kara a pastors daughter loves satan!" no people, sorry to disappoint.
anyways, i wanna get healthy. and i have been saying that for a long time. but after so many failed attempts i have given up. but after some thought i thought i should blog about it. that way people can keep accountable, and i can also keep myself accountable. tonight i went for a jog, i haven't for a long time, the last time was before i got married. as i was jogging i got this rush and realized again how this whole failed attempts of losing weight was all in my messed up head! this attitude of i cant, and i am scared of people making fun of me was keeping me from getting healthy! not anymore, i will and CAN do it. one day i will jog in town and not care if people are staring at my jiggle, its a pretty good show let me tell you! ;) one day i will sign up for Zumba classes here in town, and as God as my witness one day you will see me strutting down that arborg pool deck wearing a bathing suit, and not caring at the stares! its a process but i will get there.
now excuse me as i eat all the junk food in my house so i will not be tempted this week, just kidding, there isn't any! :)
ps: I went for a 40 min walk, and i jogged 15 mins of those 40 mins, i feel pretty damn proud!
Hi Karalynn,
ReplyDeleteIt takes courage to be honest and
'put it out there' as you say. So its not courage you lack to accomplish all the things you mention. So don't beat yourself up over being a failure. You are not. You mentioned Satan. Of course you are not a satan worshipper! One look into your eyes & anyone with a nanogram of spiritual sensitivity would know by the caring and love that shine from within through those eyes! Not a recent attribute of satan I can assure you!
I have struggled with some of the same issues and I hear you. (Now when I look back I wonder why I was so consumed by my weight back then...could have saved the worry for now but I used it all up years ago!) Here is what I would like to encourage you with. You are precious in the soght of God. He delights in you, just the way you are. However, Satan is very jealous of your relationship with Jesus and if he can't destroy it, he will try and ruin it by distorting truth, take your focus off Him, and consume you with lies about your worth and mislead you into believing that who you are is determined by your weight, by your shape or by what you did or did not say. HE IS LYING! Even a half truth is still a lie. As women we care about how we look and satan knows that so he twists the knife into our gut. But God takes the scalpel of love and very carefully begins to work in our hearts. He never shakes His head in disgust at what He finds and walks away. He already knows what he will find. He has seen it developing everytime we are fooled by one of satan's lies. He starts slowly and never pushes or condemns. My feeling is that satan is shaming you into making big changes. Being healthy is a godly aspiration but it needs to be for the right reasons. Your body is God's temple. His temple is already worthy to be seen on any swimming pool deck. The people who stare at you are only tools satan uses to keep you in his bondage. To rob you of the joy life wants to give you. What do you owe these people vs what you owe yourself and your family? God has given you so many gifts He wants you to use for his glory and I see so many of them shining out of youe beautiful ryes and amazing smile, I never think about weight, shape or make up when I see you. I just see a woman who is a remarkable image bearer of Christ. Satan will try and destroy that image by whispering lies to you at every turn. Laugh in his face and buy something you have not allowed yourself to wear and wear it proudly and bravely (because satan is a real foe to contend with, so just say what Jesus said when he was met with overwhelming temptation...get behind me satan!) and step out. Neal Anderson suggests keeping a list of Bible verses that declare our position in Christ for times that satan would like to condemn us for our failures. Use the armor of God and slay the dragon. God is seeking to change and mould you but not so that you are more beautiful or svelte on the outside, he wants to make you even more beautiful than you already are on the inside and this is the beauty I see every time I see you. (Writing this on my phone and can't scroll up to check for spelling or grammer mistakes so hope this makes some sense). Hang in there and allow God's peace to flood you with joy. He understands the desires of your heart. Thanks for being transparent and sharing your heart. You are a wonderful woman, child of the King, freed from sin, and a life of hope and a future before you!!
I haven't been on here for a long time abs I just saw this and who left the comment, thank you for the encouragement!! I am very thankful I saw this, thank you so much. 💕
DeleteI am a super slow runner, even my husband laughs at me. But at least I am doing laps around the people sitting on the couch! I ready a really good post the other day, not the cleanest title but the content was really inspiring. I love her attitude towards her body.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-mangiacotti/i-wear-a-bikini-because-fck-you_b_5439511.html?fb_action_ids=332098420277499&fb_action_types=og.comments
I know what it is like to struggle with being healthy and keeping up with it. You CAN do it! The best thing is to have accountability and people to support and encourage you!