.....

I've been staring at this blank page for two days now trying to figure how to start this blog post and how to take it from my brain and heart to paper. What I wanna say sounds good in my brain but I can't put it on paper.  Maybe I should just come out and say it... 

I'm pregnant. 

And at first I felt so guilty and kinda dirty because Dave and I are not married and felt so guilty and bad for my family because I have already put them through enough shit. The guilt and shame. But yet excited that we were having a baby. But than guilt and shame because I shouldn't be excited because it's out of wedlock. The confusion and emotions are sometimes unbearable. And than the guilt for having a baby out of wedlock and having to explain to Hayden and William. I sometimes feel like the worst parent ever. That I'm letting my boys and everyone down. From being divorced to having a baby and not being married. And yes I know you have sex, the outcome could be a baby doesn't matter how careful you are. 

Side note: 

I hope I'm not shaming anyone or offending anyone with this post, believe what you want. But growing up I always wanted to be married when I started a family and live happily after. So if you have had kids out of wedlock that's your business I'm not here to be judgemental. 

Anyways, I know rumours and gossip will happen and I am honestly over that. Say what you need to. But what does bother me and hurt me when I hear people saying things about my family. Things like: what horrible parents they are, and wow a pastor daughter he must have not pounded the bible into her enough, and what kinda family still talks to her, they should shun her. 

My parents have taught me very well and have taught me right from wrong, they have taught me the Bible in a healthy way.  We had a good, healthy, loving home. Nothing to complain about. 

My choices DO NOT reflect my parents parenting. I am my own person and I made my own choices in life, some good and some bad, just like everyone does. My parents don't agree with the choices all the time but I know they will never shun me or disown me. And for that I am very thankful for and thank God for everyday. Thank you mom and dad. 

So, yes I am pregnant. But I can't help think that this child is a gift from God no matter how it is conceived or how it's brought into the world. Dave and I love this baby with all our hearts and I hope that we can teach this baby and Hayden and William to learn from our mistakes and I hope that they will all grow up to be men {yes, it's a boy!} of God and have a heart for the hurting and love for everyone no matter what choices and mistakes people are labeled with. 

" You're here for a reason, you certainly are. The world would be different without you, by far. If not for your hands and your eyes and your feet, the world, like a puzzle, would be incomplete." 

               {Nancy Tillman} 

 23 weeks with baby boy #3.

Oh Dear Kashtyn, you are so loved already.