I know that Easter was yesterday. But I can't help think how different Easter was for us this year.
My whole life I always knew God loved me, and that he died for me and etc, etc. I've heard the Gospel many times in my life, I heard Jesus loves me all the time. I knew it all, but I never felt it. Like, I knew he loved me, but I never felt that love, or experienced that love. I just can't really explain it. But this year was totally different.
As many of you know I am divorced. It was the most painful, gut wrenching, heart breaking thing I have been through. Yes, I am the one that left, I am the one that got involved with things that no married woman should have gotten involved with. It was painful. The sin. The guilt. It was unbearable some days.
The sin was eating Dave and I up. Our relationship sucked, it was rocky, I didn't know if we were going to make it. And I couldn't bear the thought of breaking my boys hearts again. We both knew that things needed to change. I won't tell Dave's story cause that is his story to tell. But I knew I needed help, major help. I needed to talk, to spill everything, I needed forgiveness. I told Dave I am at rock bottom, I love him, I need and want this to work, so please support me. He did and he does.
I reached out to our church and was totally blown away. I couldn't believe the love and support that came our way. Comments like "I've been praying for you, and I really want you to see this lady and do counselling with her." I couldn't believe it. I've been in church my whole life but never felt that love and support I felt that day ( and that isn't a bash to the other churches I've attended, I am sure if I was honest with the others, things might have been different.) Anyways. my heart was racing when I agreed to meet this lady, and when I finally accepted the help that I desperately needed!
I went to go see her, and my word! That was the most uncomfortable, painful, amazing, freeing thing I have ever done. I spilled everything, I told her everything. Everything I've struggled with, everything that hurt, everything that I have done, every sin, every struggle, every hidden secret. I spewed out, Everything out, just out in the open to this stranger. Talk about crazy! It was crazy, crazy painful, crazy freeing. Just plain crazy! I walked out feeling forgiven, equipped, and loved. I felt like a warrior, a warrior fighting for her family, her relationship. A warrior that was NOT going to let Satan win this battle. I was NOT going to let my bitterness and anger ruin me or my family. I was going to fight, I have a warring spirit and in the end Satan will not win. I forgave. I forgave myself, I forgave the people that hurt me. In Jesus's name I forgave, and I promised myself and others that I was not going to let Satan ruin me, and my family again. Even though I've made huge mistakes in life, God isn't finished with me or my family. He's far from done.
Anyways, back to Easter. This was the first that I felt so loved by God. Reading the Easter story in the Bible was totally different this year. Reading him being nailed to the cross with every sin that I have committed. Knowing that he loves, and knowing that he thought of me when he was dying on that cross, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Jesus, who was blameless, who didn't do anything wrong. Who healed people, who loved people, who taught people, the most selfless man ever. There he was dying on the cross cause he loves ME and YOU so freaking much. Its amazing when you really think about it. Its crazy, its crazy and amazing to even think of someone loving you that much that they are willing to die for you. Like I said I cant even wrap my head around it.
A man so perfect died for me. A sinner, not worthy of his love, forgiveness, and grace died for me. And he died for you. He loves you. He wants all your mistakes, your burdens, your struggles, he wants them all. He carried that all on that cross, and wow I am so thankful for that. So very thankful!
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