Postpartum Depression.

Kashtyn's pregnancy was the hardest for me physically and emotionally. And once he was born it didn't get any easier. I remember sitting in the hospital bed after he was born talking to the nurses about postpartum depression. And in the back of my mind I thought she was wasting her time because that will never happen to me. There was so many exciting things happening in our lives. New baby, new house, Hayden starting school, to many happy things no time to be depressed. And boy was I wrong. Kashtyn was fussy, clingy, and cried lots right from the beginning. Which is very exhausting. We didn't get much sleep {still don't get much sleep} and we constantly have to hold him. I started to notice a change in me that I ignored. I didn't wanna get out of bed, didn't wanna see people, didn't wanna take care of my boys, didn't care about anything! Things that I usually loved too do I hated and couldn't be bothered with. At first I suppressed those feelings I blamed it on a lack of sleep and hormones. But than my thoughts and mind got more intense. Thoughts like wanting to hurt myself. Wanting to die because I thought that the boys and everyone else would be better off without me. I thought that they needed a good mom and I wasn't that, so if I died I could spare them a messed up, screwed up, crazy mom. I thought of leaving them. Make them enough food for the day, leave a note for Dave, than take off and never look back. And if Dave came home and they were all dead or gone, I wouldn't even care. Kashtyn would cry, and I would ignore him and not comfort him or pick him up. I either left him for Dave or even Hayden would hold him to comfort him. And it got worse, so much worse. Fits of rage, crying all the time, emotionless. Finally, Dave sat me down one evening told me his concern and told me I needed help. I needed help as soon as possible. I needed to talk to my doctor and if I wasn't going to than he would find me help before it was to late. So, next day I got an appointment with my doctor, told her everything. She told me that I was dealing with postpartum depression and it would be best if she gave me medication for it. I agreed, even though I didn't want medication. Deep down though I knew it was best! 

I've been on medication for a few months now, and I have noticed a change! It is easier to get out of bed, I am started to enjoy taking care of my kids again, I wanna hang out with people again, and I'm excited for the future once again. By saying this though I most definitely have my days still where it's a battle {guilt}. Not everyday is happy and easy, some days are just downright depressing and bad. But I feel like the sun is starting to shine and that everything around me is more colourful than it was before. 

Guilt. 

Dealing with postpartum depression brings so much guilt. I feel horrible how I treated Kashtyn in the first month, I feel horrible for my anger towards Dave and the boys. I feel horrible for the days that Hayden had to be the one to comfort Kashtyn cause I just couldn't do it, I feel horrible for loading everything everyday onto Dave. So much guilt. I pray everyday that my children won't remember the dark days. I pray that they won't remember the days where mommy was mean and didn't want anything too do with them. I pray that this guilt will go away. 

Talk. 

I also pray that mamas everywhere will just talk about hardships, postpartum depression and how much being a mama is so hard and some days it just sucks! I feel that since coming out and saying I was struggling with this, a few moms that I never would think are, are dealing with the same thing. And why is it? Why is it that us moms need to portray that we have it all together? Let's talk. Let's be honest. And honestly I think if more moms did that, I really believe that motherhood wouldn't be as lonely some days. Just to know that a few people I know have struggled with it, makes it less lonely already. I wish that moms wouldn't have to feel that they have it all togehter. I wish moms would be more honest with each other and that we will come along side each other and help one another, share struggles and the joys in our lives! 

So, to all the mamas out there, I don't have it all together. Being a mom is just downright hard somedays. Keep your heads up mamas, and let's talk!