Trying.

I'll admit right now that sometimes Coparenting with someone sucks, like majorly suck. It is a roller coaster. Some days it's easy and good, and other days it's hard and I just don't want to do it anymore. 

I can be a very controlling person. I need structure, routine or I get completely undone. I need to know where my kids are at all times, who they are hanging out with, what they are watching, eating, everything. So, when I don't have the boys it's super stressful, because I don't know what they are doing, who they are hanging out with every second of the day. It drives me crazy, it's drives me mad. It's not that I don't trust their dad but I'm not there and I feel like I can look after them better. Which is not a good attitude to have. I'm trying so hard to let go of that control, and trust people more. 

Anyways, trying to coparent in a Godly, kind, good way is even harder. Somedays I don't even think it's possible to do it that way. And last night was a prime example. I failed miserably! I said things that I wish I didn't say, I said things that I didn't mean at all. I said things in the heat of an argument and I cannot take them back. And it sucks. 

I want to be a light, I want to be a kind person, I want people to see me and know that something is different about me. I want to be like that for everyone that I meet, I want to be like that in all my relationships including my coparent relationship with Hayden and Williams dad. 

It's going to be hard. 

That's why I'm writing this, I want people to keep me accountable {thank Jesus for Dave, cause he isn't scared to tell me straight! Lol} Please help me to be kind, thoughtful, trustworthy, help me God to be a light for you. 

This nails it on the head for me. I want people to see him through me even though I suck at doing things right and good. I want people to see kindness, love, humility, and joy when they me. Oh Jesus help me.