Sometimes it just hurts.

Sometimes loving my boys hurts. You love them so much you wanna protect them from everything, and maintain their innocence. But you know you can't, and that hurts. It hurts knowing that one day they will get their heart broken, have struggles in life, grow up, leave the nest and learn hard life lessons. Every thought of that brings excitement but hurt. 

When it is time for them to leave the nest and do their own thing. I can't help think if I equipped them enough? Did I pray for them enough? Did I love them enough? Did I teach them good lessons? Did I yell too much? Will they ever wanna come home and visit? Did I baby them to much? Did they're childhood scar them? 

Question after question, and anxiety after anxiety. I feel that it never stops. And honestly I don't think it will ever stop. 

Last night was brutal. Such anxiety. Thinking over and over what I can do to make the days easier, and smoother. I feel lately it's been so busy that I haven't had time to breathe. I'm exhausted. And the mom guilt, oh dear, that stupid mom guilt. I yelled too much today, I snapped too much! They are probably going to bed thinking that mommy is the worst, meanest mommy ever! Lately, everything about being a mommy hurts. I honestly feel some days like giving up, crawling into bed, and sleeping the next 18 years away.  

But I know I can't. Those three little humans are counting on me, they need me, they want me and I know that they love me. 

So, my dear Hayden, Willy, and Kashy poo. I am sorry. Mommy is really trying her best. I am sorry for raising my voice to much. I am sorry for being to busy some days to authentically play with you. I am sorry for taking my frustrations out on you. I love you, and I am trying my best to be the best mom that I can be to you three. I will fail, I will have bad days. And I hope that you will forgive me, and love me anyway.  I am and will always be your biggest cheerleader. I love you three so much. So much, that it hurts.

This picture will always be my favorite, I remember that day and how busy we were. Kash was a month old. we just moved and it was the week of swimming lessons. Kash wouldn't stop crying and wanted to be held. I couldn't hold him because I was getting things ready for swimming. So, Hayden volunteered to hold him. I ran downstairs to get their swimming bag and came back up to this scene. So thankful for them, their patience and willingness to help.